This is a classic EHS spoof that any EHS auditor can appreciate. It comes from one of the finest process safety professionals that walk among us and oh how he is fun to work with. Joe can make a bad day one of your best days, just by being “Joe”. An awesome audit leader and a great technical mind that knows process safety and safety management systems inside and out. This is just one of his piece’s of work he did one night while talking PSM audits over a burger and a few beers. He calls it…
A Few Good Auditors
(as adapted from the movie A Few Good Men)
by Joe Chandler
Joe Chandler did you edit the audit finding?… You don’t have to answer that question.
I’ll answer the question
You want answers?
I think I’m entitled…
You want answers?
I want the truth.
You can’t handle the truth…
Son, we have plants that have fences, and those plants have to be audited by men with pens. Who’s gonna do it? You Bryan? You Steve? You Robert? You Dennis? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the plant managers, and you curse the auditors. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the audits, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that audit, you need me on that audit. We use words like standards, codes, policies. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent auditing. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very safety that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pen and audit a plant. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to.
Did you edit the audit findings?
Did you edit the audit findings?
You doggone right I did!